Dreams That Make Me Think pt 1:

I had a dream the other day of mean girls saying mean things 

I can’t remember the context or even what they were saying, but I remember being uncomfortable, feeling insecure, wishing they would stop. 

I responded in the dream unlike I would’ve as a child, I brushed it off, I recognized they were “mean girls” and that it said more about them than it did me, but even still, I had all the emotional reactions childish me would have. 

Does my recognition of this absurdity mean nothing, if I’m still getting hurt? 

Can we realize something shouldn’t be painful and allow still to be?

I think this was a moment of learning for both me and my inner child. 

I went through a lot of pain as a child, due to mean girls, and I had this perspective as an adult that if I had just realized them for what they were (mean girls) that it wouldn’t have been painful. 

I looked down on younger me for not realizing, and therefor blamed her for the pain. 

But this dream showed me, even with the realization of who they were, that it was still painful for me. Yes, easier to address, easier to forget or fail to take on. But still painful. 

And that’s where I find forgiveness for my childhood pain. Where I find true understanding. 

It’s easier today to brush off not being accepted by people you project as someone you “don’t care” to be accepted by. But at the end of the day, all of us are craving true acceptance at our core. 

And until you can truly accept, appreciate, absolutely adore and love yourself, you will always run into pain when someone else rejects you. 

Even if you’ve grown. 

Even if you’ve learned. 

Even if you want to know and be better. 

And that’s okay. To feel that pain. To sit with it and breathe it in. But reality mustn’t be clouded by these understandings. 

I don’t need someone else to accept me. 

I need to accept myself / and therein lies all the pain. 

-Ani Khēmeia