on Resisting Care:

I’ve been the Mother my whole life, so it shouldn’t be surprising to anyone that I don’t want children of my own. 

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love children, babies, all the tiny humans have my heart. 

But I’m just realizing how infrequently I got to experience true maidenhood - I was always the Mother, or even the Crone, in the actions I took and the priorities I held. 

And I was always extremely proud of this sense of responsibility until I realized what a defense mechanism always being ON is. It is incredibly self protective to think “if I don’t handle everything, no one will”. 

And so I ran with that, because I was tired of not being protected and because in mothering myself I had no clear example of what the fuck I was doing. 

The mothers in my life were maidens. 

The crones were mothers. 

When you see everyone else taking on a different role, it’s hard to remember your essence. I saw a mother who needed a mother and somehow shape-shifted and contorted and shrunk myself to fit that exact mold and it’s hitting me just how long I’ve been in that mode. 

How much I’ve resisted care. 

How much I’ve resisted mySelf, in trying to secure the things that have been flying all over my entire life. 

Security is a false hope, a story, an illusion. It’s fluid and consequential and an incredibly stupid thing to constantly seek in the world. 

You’ll never find it. No matter where or in who you look - unless that place is you. 

(I thought I was meeting my inner-security by being over-protective… but gods am I laughing now..) 

just Let Go.

-Ani Khēmeia